well...
aah_cawfee
im kinda glad that i can get back on here cos it means i can keep up to date on the things i do(you know what my memory is like!!)

anyway, im finally in a place where i can be happy! im in an unpaid job that keeps me steady and content. i do the same things everyday; cleaning, laundry, bedrooms, kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming, dusting and the like!

i know, its a long list of the things people would get sick of - and i do - but honestly i love doing it. i get to sit around all day and do my crochet/knitting whilst waiting for the washer to finish, or watch tv when certain tasks have been completed and i fel ive earned myself a good coffee and a fag!

*sings* "these are a few of my favourite things"!!!

i suppose ive found my niche, and hopefully i can do something with it one day, or maybe just stay as i am...either way im not bothered. im happy and productive, and its working!

ciao 4 now

*moosey sends muchos clean loof*

well...
aah_cawfee
so, now that i have the time to go in depth with whats been happening the last while(its been over 3 years since i really wrote anything honest after all...) i suppose i should really keep up to date

so im living with Chris in Gateshead and he breaks up with me.

i had nowhere to go so i ended up staying there with him for a while, til just before xmas when he announced he was giving up the flat! i was homeless over xmas!!!

i ended moving from there to a hostel near durham before staying in grange villa housesitting for a friend, and finally moving to paisley(in scotland) for 15 months.

i officially hate guys!!

im gonna be a nun!!

enough about that anyway.

im still knitting
im still a smoker of heavy goods
im still a drunk
im still fucking mad in the head!!

ciao for now

*moosey send muchos loof*

well...
aah_cawfee
after 2 years(ish) ive finally been allowed back on my profile!! yaaaaay!!

not much has happened really:

- moved to paisley
- met a guy
- mover to my own flat in paisley
- lost said guy
- lost said flay
- moved home!

pretty standard shit then :/

ah well...*moosey sends some loof*

ciao 4 now

well...
aah_cawfee
i suppose if im gonna start to act upon threats ive made, i at leeast should stay about and see what chaos it causes...i think

i did something bad today...and im not proud of it...but it made me feel disgusting.
i felt like everything i do is gonna cause havoc! like selling things that arent mine...and running away afterwards...

i wanna go do my walk, i really do, but thers something stopping me...and thats money!
if i could make sure that the money i aquired was set aside ooonly for the road ahead, then i could walk to my hearts content...making sure that the distance i cover is only matched by my will to keep going and walk and write my wanders down...and ill ne happy...

well...
aah_cawfee
this is a first...i actually believe myself...for he first time in forever.

ive never believed that someone could plan a suicide, but i was wrong, it actually takes more planning than anything else.

thankfully, ive managed to get down to three things left to do... as long as theyre done b september.

i wonder how much its gonna cost? the only things i cant decide on...how and where?!

any suggestions?

dreamicide
aah_cawfee
last night i dreamt i was made to kill
all the people ive ever met
i had to pick everyone up at busstops
and drive them to their sudden death

the timetables were made to tell my life
and people came in their order
we spoke, i suppose, for the last time, and smiled
before i carried out my murder

i was to drive them round a corner at speeds
not fit for that kind of road...
smash head on into an oncoming petrol
tanker, making it explode

i woke up in the drivers seat, no more
than three inch stumps for legs
at which point Bob Barker congratulated me
and killed me with a £100,000 cheque.

i woke myself up from that punching the bedroom wall
of the guy i was dating at the time
he very rapidly threw my clothes at me, screaming
get out, or im calling 999

i walked out, and the following 76 miles
to the nearest familiar place
apologised for the lateness of my arrival and asked
"could i sleep in a spare space?"

the reply was not anticipated(not do i believe was it remotely deserved)
and the tone was one of spite
"theres no room for you here, im going to bed. goodnight."
closed the door and turned off the light.

well...
aah_cawfee
its been over a year since i wrote last...much have i grown and its different.

i ride a bike. i knit all hours of the day. i smoke waaaaaaaay too much(but that one i dont mind). ive also slowly made the discovery that im not actually who i think i am.

my mind is in a strange place right now and i cant help thinking its not real. things change and im not quite sure how. people leave and arrive, return and repose but i never know it, and i seem to have attracted the right kind of people at the wrong time. everything i do feels fake and rehearsed. places seem to look odd, like ive never been there before. my usual distortion on the world has taken a sinister turn, which makes me uncomfortable. and even as im typing this, im sure someone keeps shining a light at the back of my head.

and yes, before anyone asks; im stoned.
and i dont care.

apart from that thhings are great not.

ciao4abit

telepathic humour?
aah_cawfee
i had a thought today :)

on watching am awesome episode of American Dad, Roger comes up with the sentence, "No, I knew Stockard Channing *in the late '40s. She was 50!"

at that point i wondered something ive often wondered: what are other peoples internal sense of humour like?
everyone has the sense of humour that they share with everyone else, but when were on our own(or at least when i am), our understanding of whats genuinely funny changes anf we find sillier, weirder, stranger, dirtier and often wrong things, just funnier or more impressive.

the first thing i thought on hearing this little quip i imeediately thought "I wonder if Stockard Channing finds that funny in front of people because shes supposed to, and then secretly thinks its hilarious when shes alone?!"
then i thought to myself about certain things about people ive known and thought about if they still think about them too. *then, i wondered, "if i think of some of these things really hard and really long, will they think of them at the same time and laugh with me? will these people think about these things too and want me to laugh with them?"

i love thinking things like that. like when you have a wee and wonder if whether people you know ponder the possibility that you may be peeing at the same time?

it could be all types of things, like; having a wee, listening to a certain song that reminds you of someone; remembering something someone did or said; hearing someone completely different saying the exact same thing; laughing about the most ridiculous things; wondering if someone else would think the same things as you are funny; wondering if someone thinks youre funnier than you do, or are; wondering if someone thinks the exact same things as you at the exact same time as you, all the time?

do people do that? can you have the exact same thought pattern as someone else? same aspirations and fears, thoughts and dreams, hopes and wishes and wants?

thatd be pretty cool!!

that is all
*moosey sends muchos loof*

....
aah_cawfee
do we really have to?
i mean, really, do we have to?

i dont know what we have to, but do we really really have to?

i need help!!
aah_cawfee
i need help organising and carrying out(get this).....a wedding!!!!!

yes people, im getting married!! to someone who ive finally foind that wants what i want - normal life!

still smoking weed, may have slightly encouraged him to smoke too, but its fine cos he enjoys it!

apart from that, i have no news to report other than i have now lost my best friend! and im not letting myself care!!

moosey sends much loof

ciao 4 now!!

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